That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't.

I only get unusual ailments.

It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up.

That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't.

Almost every week, someone's mad at me.

I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means.

I have like fifteen televisions in my house.

I'm a terrible golfer.

There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.

At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes.

I can't be as flip as I once was.

I describe myself as a human being.

I did not have any delusions of grandeur as a kid.

I don't really need to be dirty to be funny.

I go to Costco every weekend. It's my favorite part of the week.

I have had a lot of experience in broadcasting.

If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it's that they're almost entirely scripted.

My definition of cursing is probably different from what other people's definitions are.

No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do.

On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime.

Real emotion is good - or doing a good job of faking real emotion.

The Republican National Convention is a great place to hear people talk about politics and values and all that sort of thing. But there's one thing brings me back year after year, and that's white people dancing. The RNC is the world's premier Caucasian amateur dance festival.

The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that's not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That's the reality of it.

There is no way, if I was running ABC, I would have kept me on the air.

When I was on the radio, I used to be able to go a lot farther than I can now. You don't really remember until you're on the radio again, sometimes in your old radio station and sitting with the guys you used to work with and you go, 'Oh yeah, I can't say these things anymore. I'm handcuffed.'

When you know someone you can make a little more fun of them without them getting offended.

You can say Pizza Hut is terrible pizza, but they also sell more pizzas than anybody else.

You don't need to exorcise your personal demons onstage.

Real emotion is good or doing a good job of faking real emotion.

How can you ever be late for anything in London They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.

Someone, I don’t know who, probably a monster, thought it would be a good idea to combine pumpkin spice and pizza, two things that go together like peanut butter and snow tires.

The burnt odor in Washington is from the disintegrating authority of the governing classes.

If you look to lead, invest at least 40% of your time managing yourself - your ethics, character, principles, purpose, motivation, and conduct. Invest at least 30% managing those with authority over you, and 15% managing your peers.

All wars come to an end, at least temporarily. But the authority acquired by the state hangs on; political power never abdicates.

Anyone who conducts an argument by appealing to authority is not using his intelligence; he is just using his memory.

I call religion a natural authority, but it has usually been conceived as a supernatural authority.

But in our age the appeal to authority is weak, and I am of my age.

And revolutions always mean the breakdown of old authority.

In revolutions authority remains with the greatest scoundrels.

We all agree that we've got to bring these terrorists to justice and to make sure that they're never allowed to perpetrate such an evil act as they did. And so all of us are dealing with that. We know that the President has the authority to go to war under the War Powers Act.

The faith that stands on authority is not faith.

As a result of my study, I came to the conclusion that a common supreme authority was undesirable.

Universal suffrage should rest upon universal education. To this end, liberal and permanent provision should be made for the support of free schools by the State governments, and, if need be, supplemented by legitimate aid from national authority.

The dead and past stories that I have told again in divers fashions, are not set down without authority.

I had learned many years ago in private business never to take responsibility without adequate authority; and the new Secretary of Defense, as budgets were sharply cut, quickly found that out.

The whole basis of the Constitution was a restriction of power, and the whole basis of the federalist system was that there was not one sovereign centralized power from which all authority flows.

God is the King. In him exists all legal authority.

Surround yourself with the best people you can find, delegate authority, and don't interfere as long as the policy you've decided upon is being carried out.

I prize the conditions under which I have lived because they have permitted me to choose my opportunities, to inquire into such matters as interested me, and to publish what I believed to be true, uncontrolled by any central authority.