I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means.

I only get unusual ailments.

It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up.

That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't.

Almost every week, someone's mad at me.

I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means.

I have like fifteen televisions in my house.

I'm a terrible golfer.

There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.

At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes.

I can't be as flip as I once was.

I describe myself as a human being.

I did not have any delusions of grandeur as a kid.

I don't really need to be dirty to be funny.

I go to Costco every weekend. It's my favorite part of the week.

I have had a lot of experience in broadcasting.

If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it's that they're almost entirely scripted.

My definition of cursing is probably different from what other people's definitions are.

No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do.

On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime.

Real emotion is good - or doing a good job of faking real emotion.

The Republican National Convention is a great place to hear people talk about politics and values and all that sort of thing. But there's one thing brings me back year after year, and that's white people dancing. The RNC is the world's premier Caucasian amateur dance festival.

The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that's not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That's the reality of it.

There is no way, if I was running ABC, I would have kept me on the air.

When I was on the radio, I used to be able to go a lot farther than I can now. You don't really remember until you're on the radio again, sometimes in your old radio station and sitting with the guys you used to work with and you go, 'Oh yeah, I can't say these things anymore. I'm handcuffed.'

When you know someone you can make a little more fun of them without them getting offended.

You can say Pizza Hut is terrible pizza, but they also sell more pizzas than anybody else.

You don't need to exorcise your personal demons onstage.

Real emotion is good or doing a good job of faking real emotion.

How can you ever be late for anything in London They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.

Someone, I don’t know who, probably a monster, thought it would be a good idea to combine pumpkin spice and pizza, two things that go together like peanut butter and snow tires.

When somebody throws something out the car window, honk at them, but don't give them the finger. We've got to temper our negative feelings about people who desecrate the environment.

I stole a piece of the chess set on the first film. I took a piece of the treasure out of Bellatrix's vault on this film. And I've taken my wand and I've got my cloak.

An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him.

Generally the younger generation are not hard working. They will have to put in more effort to achieve results in tournaments. most of them can perform well but they cannot deliver when they play abroad.

For vengeance is an emptiness and he that seeketh it wasteth himself.

Black women are the strongest most hardworking people on earth.

I need to learn to be happy and enjoy the achievement rather than already thinking about what I could have done better.

The medium is the message.

The Egyptians have grown in confidence, they've tasted freedom, and there's no way back.

I do eat well. I try to love my body. That is what I tell my daughter. I say, 'Love every bite of food. Love your body. We're all going to be dead soon.' Actually I don't say that last thing to her.

Milos said, You're my first choice. From my point of view, that doesn't pay the rent. I said, Tell me what I have to do next because I'm busy painting my kitchen.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

So in my uncertainty, I went to graduate school and there it all happened.

I can play basketball, run track, and play volleyball, so yeah, I've always been an athlete at heart.

Within the soil of a discouraging season can often be the seeds of incredible blessing miracles and breakthrough

You find a personality whom you think the TV audience will embrace and find a format that is tailor-made for the personality. In the case of Andy Griffith, we moved the personality of a wily country shark - a funny and shrewd guy - into another arena. In this case, he is a lawyer, and it is a dramatic series.

I'm having as much fun today as I did when I made $55 a week, because it is as much fun.

If you're going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy; God will forgive you but the bureaucracy won't.