Almost every week, someone's mad at me.

I only get unusual ailments.

It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up.

That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't.

Almost every week, someone's mad at me.

I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means.

I have like fifteen televisions in my house.

I'm a terrible golfer.

There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.

At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes.

I can't be as flip as I once was.

I describe myself as a human being.

I did not have any delusions of grandeur as a kid.

I don't really need to be dirty to be funny.

I go to Costco every weekend. It's my favorite part of the week.

I have had a lot of experience in broadcasting.

If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it's that they're almost entirely scripted.

My definition of cursing is probably different from what other people's definitions are.

No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do.

On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime.

Real emotion is good - or doing a good job of faking real emotion.

The Republican National Convention is a great place to hear people talk about politics and values and all that sort of thing. But there's one thing brings me back year after year, and that's white people dancing. The RNC is the world's premier Caucasian amateur dance festival.

The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that's not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That's the reality of it.

There is no way, if I was running ABC, I would have kept me on the air.

When I was on the radio, I used to be able to go a lot farther than I can now. You don't really remember until you're on the radio again, sometimes in your old radio station and sitting with the guys you used to work with and you go, 'Oh yeah, I can't say these things anymore. I'm handcuffed.'

When you know someone you can make a little more fun of them without them getting offended.

You can say Pizza Hut is terrible pizza, but they also sell more pizzas than anybody else.

You don't need to exorcise your personal demons onstage.

Real emotion is good or doing a good job of faking real emotion.

How can you ever be late for anything in London They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.

Someone, I don’t know who, probably a monster, thought it would be a good idea to combine pumpkin spice and pizza, two things that go together like peanut butter and snow tires.

I hate vacations. There's nothing to do.

I always thought my best album was 'Trouble in Paradise.' I was the happiest with that one.

I don't want to be an action star; action star's life is so short. I want my life to get longer. I want my career to get longer.

I'm completely gobsmacked by the 'Rookie Blue' fans.

I have been five minutes too late all my life-time!

When doing a series, I look for something that has an idea you can think about, something that I'm noticing and aware of and thinking about, because when you're doing a series, you think about more than just jokes... you know, when you're doing a comedy, you think about what's going to reflect people's experiences, in a way.

I was a fat little kid with a speech impediment. I used to get beat up, not just picked on.

The perception of the horizon is an earthbound event all horizons disappear in space and we are left shorn of the sweet roots that have held us to the earth challenged to imagine what is truly present just before us a unified and seemingly limitless universe.

When I was really young I didn't know that there was such a thing as a screenwriter. I wrote stories.

The transition state of manners and language cannot be too often insisted upon: for this affected the process at both ends, giving the artist in fictitious life an uncertain model to copy and unstable materials to work in.

And I always found that the harder I worked, the better my luck was, because I was prepared for that.

It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech and Chong. I had all these records.

McCain is completely against the sequester. It was one thing when we had a Democratic chair who was against it - all the Democrats were against it. But to have a Republican chair who is outspoken and strong against the sequester, who has the credentials in military issues - who is going to challenge him?

We are a breathtakingly alienated people... One of my props is the world's largest underpants. I've had the president of Costa Rica in my underpants with me.

I think of feminism as more of a political ideology.

It is the superfluous things for which men sweat, - superfluous things that wear our togas theadbare, that force us to grow old in camp, that dash us upon foreign shores.

Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.

I love having a big family. I think it's easier, oddly, in some ways, having three children as opposed to one.