My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.

I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience.

I love standup and I haven't given it up.

People are going to see both of us and think it's an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It's not an easy switch. It's not an easy transition from TV to film.

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.

You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

I do still get intimidated by certain things.

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.

I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating.

I have this mistress: show business.

I lived at home till I was 29.

I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way.

I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.

I'm aging, and the world is seeing it.

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.

If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.

In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.

The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.

The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.

The only thing I miss from the sitcom format is that immediate gratification of when you're, if we're talking about comedy, of the live audience.

The successful golfers - they're like astronauts or pilots. They have that demeanor that they can focus and stay within that one moment and nothing distracts them. That's not me.

When you go to standup, there seems to be a common denominator of some form of need or want for validation from the audience that maybe you were lacking as a kid.

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.

When I dance people think Im looking for my keys.

Having children is like living in a frat house nobody sleeps everythings broken and theres a lot of throwing up.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

In a way, comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you're doing.

I wouldn't like to see a chick of mine taking her clothes off and kissing a fellow on screen. And my girls must get very hurt when they see me doing it.

A drunkard would not give money to sober people. He said they would only eat it, and buy clothes and send their children to school with it.

Nothing to do but work, Nothing to eat but food, Nothing to wear out but clothes, To keep one from going nude.

Put off thy cares with thy clothes; so shall thy rest strengthen thy labor, and so thy labor sweeten thy rest.

I have a friend in New York who's a stylist and I went over to her place because she's got a lot of clothes. I basically ended up wearing most of it. So it's all stuff that I brought over.

I try not to be but I'm super-neurotic about diet. I'm neurotic about trying not to be neurotic! I'm like every other girl. I have to try really hard my whole life to try to be fit. And I'm super-vain. And I want to wear cute clothes.

I'm a former hippie, so clothes are important to me - your clothes defined you in that period. I guess clothes still defines people. But, I change a lot. I'm in my Brooks Brothers period now.

Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.

He was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say "when!"

If you look over the years, the styles have changed - the clothes, the hair, the production, the approach to the songs. The icing to the cake has changed flavors. But if you really look at the cake itself, it's really the same.

There's this idea that if you take your clothes off, somehow you must have loose morals.

I have fun with my clothes onstage; it's not a concert you're seeing, it's a fashion show.

Progressive societies outgrow institutions as children outgrow clothes.

I once did a role which I couldn't rehearse in my street clothes, I had to have the character's costume on before I could rehearse it. I just couldn't think as the character unless I looked like him, or I knew that I looked like him.