Spike Milligan

Driver Shepherd and I had been detailed to drive Lt. Budden in the Wireless Truck. We had been standing by vehicles for an hour, and nothing had happened, but it happened frequently.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

The night before Tilbury, the Cordon Bleu gourmet dinner turned out Cordon Brown. Six out of ten to the chef for trying and ten out of ten to us for eating it.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

We come across thirty or so hurried graves with makeshift wooden markers. 'Private Edwards, E.', a number, and that was all. Fourteen days ago he was alive, thinking feeling, hoping... If war was a game of cards, I'd say someone was cheating.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Rugby is a game for big buggers. if you're not a big bugger, you get hurt. I wasn't a big bugger but i was a fast bugger and therefore I avoided the big buggers.

Im a hero with cowards legs.

Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, 'I remember, I remember the house where I was born.' I don't even know what mine looked like!

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

My father had a profound influence on me he was a lunatic.

Thankfully, we didn't stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

The experience of being in the Army changed my whole life; I never believed that an organization such as ours could ever go to war, leave alone win it. It was, as Yeats remarked of the Easter Rising, 'A terrible beauty.'

It's all in the mind, you know.

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

My Father had a profound influence on me he was a lunatic.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.