I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.

If it isn't the sheriff, it's the finance company; I've got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner.

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.

I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.

I've read some of your modern free verse and wonder who set it free.

You can't drown yourself in drink. I've tried, you float.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

The good die young, because they see it's no use living if you have got to be good.

You can only be as good as you dare to be bad.

In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief.

The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.

My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.

When archaeologists discover the missing arms of Venus de Milo, they will find she was wearing boxing gloves.

The good die young because they see its no use living if youve got to be good.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didnt know you left open.

In Genesis it says that it is not good for a man to be alone but sometimes it is a great relief.

Dying is the last thing I will ever do.

You never realize how short a month is until you have to pay alimony.

A man must pay the fiddler, in my case it so happened that a whole symphony orchestra often had to be subsidized.

My only regret in the theater is that I could never sit out front and watch me.

If you think it's going to rain, it will.

Set religion free, and a new humanity will begin.

Unless the reformer can invent something which substitutes attractive virtues for attractive vices, he will fail.

Every American deserves to live in freedom, to have his or her privacy respected and a chance to go as far as their ability and effort will take them - regardless of race, gender, ethnicity or economic circumstances.

It will take a long time, and certainly the West will remain the dominant civilization well into the next century, but the decline is occurring.

Given a fair wind, we will negotiate our way into the Common Market, head held high, not crawling in. Negotiations? Yes. Unconditional acceptance of whatever terms are offered us? No.

I think I've become a much better singer and a much better player. Years and years of playing a couple of hours every day will do that.

To hard necessity ones will and fancy must conform.

Almost everyone will find something in our services worth paying for.

I frankly don't care if you agree with my stand on abortion. I take that stand because no other stand is consistent with decent principles, and no other standard is consistent with the will of God.

Let us eat and drink neither forgetting death unduly nor remembering it. The Lord hath mercy on whom he will have mercy, etc., and the less we think about it the better.

Journeys, like artists, are born and not made. A thousand differing circumstances contribute to them, few of them willed or determined by the will-whatever we may think.

There are those, I know, who will reply that the liberation of humanity, the freedom of man and mind, is nothing but a dream. They are right. It is. It is the American Dream.

I want to thank all the fans for their support over the years. Keep supporting the Knicks, we're moving in the right direction here and we will be exciting to watch and competing against the best in the NBA. Come back to the Garden for those exciting games.

How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win.

And it was only released in London last week, so when I go back to England Monday or whatever, I am expecting heaps of adulation. I'm hoping there is. If that doesn't happen I will be disappointed.

I realize that much will be asked of me, yet I am resolved to accept it as a great and splendid task.

You will never know the feeling of a driver when winning a race. The helmet hides feelings that cannot be understood.

The successful establishment of a buffer zone around Fort Carson will provide an example for other bases around the country as we seek to protect the training mission of the U.S. military while preserving critical habitats on our ranges.

Most bands have a sound that they're already identified with, so for the producer it becomes a process of helping them find their muse in the studio to make a record that will not only satisfy them artistically, but will also do something in the marketplace.

I was lucky enough to occasionally break out of that racist situation that prevails in the Hollywood film production community. But it was racist then and it will always be that way. It will never be otherwise.