Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.

If it isn't the sheriff, it's the finance company; I've got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner.

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.

I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.

I've read some of your modern free verse and wonder who set it free.

You can't drown yourself in drink. I've tried, you float.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

The good die young, because they see it's no use living if you have got to be good.

You can only be as good as you dare to be bad.

In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief.

The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.

My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.

When archaeologists discover the missing arms of Venus de Milo, they will find she was wearing boxing gloves.

The good die young because they see its no use living if youve got to be good.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didnt know you left open.

In Genesis it says that it is not good for a man to be alone but sometimes it is a great relief.

Dying is the last thing I will ever do.

You never realize how short a month is until you have to pay alimony.

A man must pay the fiddler, in my case it so happened that a whole symphony orchestra often had to be subsidized.

My only regret in the theater is that I could never sit out front and watch me.

I always looked for a man to rescue me and bring me happiness. I bought into that myth, of course, and looked for my own Prince Charming.

Happiness is the harvest of a quiet eye.

No one is guaranteed happiness. You can pursue it, but if you happen to find success along the way on that road to happiness, Conservatives believe you should not be demonized or penalized for it.

To describe happiness is to diminish it.

All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast.

So many people have said that to me, that what they really like about Alex is what she brings out in Marissa, and what this situation brings out in her, a hint of happiness and another side to her character.

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

To be able to throw one's self away for the sake of a moment, to be able to sacrifice years for a woman's smile - that is happiness.

Nothing flatters a man as much as the happiness of his wife; he is always proud of himself as the source of it.

Happiness seems made to be shared.

Aye, I'm tellin' ye, happiness is one of the few things in this world that doubles every time you share it with someone else.

Even when there are times that we're not happy, happiness will creep in.

Character is power; it makes friends, draws patronage and support and opens the way to wealth, honor and happiness.

The greatest happiness is to know the source of unhappiness.

Happiness, contentment, the health and growth of the soul, depend, as men have proved over and over again, upon some simple issue, some single turning of the soul.

Happiness is the real sense of fulfillment that comes from hard work.

The truth is that relative income is not directly related to happiness. Nonpartisan social-survey data clearly show that the big driver of happiness is earned success: a person's belief that he has created value in his life or the life of others.

Off with you! You're a happy fellow, for you'll give happiness and joy to many other people. There is nothing better or greater than that!

Happiness is a monstrosity! Punished are those who seek it.

Happiness is ideal, it is the work of the imagination.

Happiness must be cultivated. It is like character. It is not a thing to be safely let alone for a moment, or it will run to weeds.